to love life

"to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again."

— The Thing Is, by Ellen Bass

As I alluded to in my last post, 23 was rough. If you were reading Smith & Emma then, you can probably remember the struggle I had to just be happy. To find meaning. To be content.

I was working a job I hated. Single. Lost. Confused. Blah. Blah. Blah. 

Somewhere in there, I found this poem, and forced myself to suck it up . . . grabbed life like a face and said, yes I will love you again. Begrudgingly. I guess. ;)

I got a new job. Decided I was going to enjoy my twenties even if it hurt me, regardless of my relationship status. Surrounded myself with friends. And new hopes. And dreams. And felt excitement for the future. Finally.  

And it worked. This poem inspired a pivotal moment for me--a change of heart and a different way of thinking. 

I turned another year older. Said some goodbyes to things that were weighing me down. And before I knew it, I truly loved life. Without having to remind myself I did. 

The point of this is to say, everyone of us is going to have rough patches. Life is shitty sometimes—no sugar coating that. But just when you think you can’t take it anymore, the sun breaks through the clouds and you can suddenly breath again. And if you just let yourself hold out for that minute, that moment in time that will literally save you, it’s worth it.

The tricky part is--that moment is up to you. Our frame of mind is a huge factor in how our life plays out. If you expect the worst, that's what you will get. But if you consciously decide to put an effort into choosing love, positivity, good vibes and all that jazz--good things are bound to happen.

You never know what’s behind the next corner, lurking behind a closed door, waiting to surprise you when you least expect it. You may just find your dream job, get an opportunity to travel the world, find a new passion that takes your life in a crazy new direction or meet a stranger who sweeps you off your feet . . . 

Until then, I hope this poem helps you as much as it helps me to remember to love life especially when I have no stomach for it. 

running into the arms of sadness

via Pinterest

I'm sad.

It's this weight I can't seem to let go of. It just sits there, in my chest. I escape it in moments -- happy hour with friends, a hot shower, a new dress... but it never fully goes away.

I've been sad before. Or, heartbroken is a better word. When I love someone -- I give it my whole heart. And when the love leaves, I feel like my heart went with it.

In the past I've always tried to escape the feeling of sadness. I'm the one in the relationship who keeps calling, keeps planning, keeps hoping -- because maybe we can make it work. Maybe I can change their mind. Maybe, just maybe -- I can change them. 

If you've ever read Smith + Emma, you know I refer to Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love as my Bible. So, in need of a little faith, I've opened up it up again to remind myself of a few things.

Gilbert and I share similar relationship habits. She says: “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” (Can any of you join our club?)

I see what can be. And oh, how beautiful it is. But when reality comes crashing down on me, I'm left with nothing but deep disappointment and a shattered sense of self.

But I have learned something since my last heartbreak (progress, people!). When your relationship comes crashing down around you -- don't try to glue it back together. Because all you've got at this point is some shitty Elmer's glue. And the truth is, no matter how carefully you put each piece back in its place -- we all know that bitch is going to break again.

Maybe, in time, the two of us will glue it back together. But as long as I'm the only one with any glue (and crappy glue at that), I've got to leave the pieces lying there. 

So, I'm sad. And I'm just going to be sad. Gilbert puts the spotlight on loneliness, but her thoughts can be applied to the whole gang of difficult emotions. She says: “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience..."

This time around, I'm running into the arms of sadness (Okay, maybe I'm not running. It's more a painfully slow dragging of my feet). But -- I will not spend another day chasing love. I'm trusting the Universe or God (that's definitely another post) that this is what is supposed to happen. 

Meanwhile, I'm finding a little bit of hope in Gilbert's words -- “Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing...” 

music monday: the breakup blues

I love music, so I'm hoping you'll induldge me a bit by letting me write about it. I can't promise that it will be earth shattering or anything, or that we'll even have the same taste, but you might like what I have to share... and if nothing else, you'll know what not to listen to ;)

Last fall, I got my hands on Sara Bareilles' album-- Keleidoscope Heart. I listened to it for the first time on a solo road trip. I wasn't going through a break up--I was actually pretty happy. But from the first time I listened to the entire album I realized she was singing about every emotion I had felt a year before when I was going through a pretty rough time. I listened to that CD from start to finish probably four times during that trip. It was love at first listen.

Now, a year later... that is still the CD I recommend when I know someone is going through a tough time. The best thing about it is it's not too sad or sappy--though singing about broken hearts, love lost, etc... she manages to keep it upbeat and peppy. It's almost fun to sing about these things. There are enough sappy songs out there to fall asleep crying to, am I right? It's nice to have another option from time to time. When you're going through a tough time it's easy to let yourself wallow, but I honestly think this CD lifts you up and snaps you out of it, if only for a little while.

Here are two songs from the record that I love:

You've probably heard this one on the radio...

King of Anything by SaraBareilles

But it was this one that I completely fell in love with. In fact, when Jena and I were tossing around ideas for this blog, this song was a huge source of inspiration for me.

Sara Bareilles - Uncharted [Radio Mix] by MMMusic

Listen and let me know what you think! What are you go-to heartbreak songs or artists? I'd love to hear!