the first step is admitting

In the words of Hannah Horvath, "I want all of the things."

I've tried to convince myself (and am still kind of trying) that I don't want all of the things everyone else wants. A husband? Who cares. Kids? Eh. A house? Too much work, really. A steady career? Borrrrrring.

The thing is, I have not actually convinced myself of any of this. Deep, deep down, I want them all. The old house that is a giant pain in my ass but is so full of history its worth it. The husband who most of the time makes me want to scream, but somehow, every morning when I wake up next to him, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. The two or three kids who will most likely cause me to increase my wine intake and make me long for the days when I flew to Vegas just because I could. But, who will undoubtedly be the greatest joys of my life. The little human terrors I will try my best to raise into awesome big people who want to make the world better. And the career. The career in which I will sit across from people, day in and day out, and do the same thing. The career that some days I will hate, find stifling and pointless. Because it's a career that involves no real skill except the ability to sit with another person who is hurting, and care. But I will dedicate my life to it anyway, on the hope that I will help one person find their happy. 

And how it looks for me -- as much as I don't want it too -- is the same way it looks for most. I'm not really different. I want a family. I want to be someone's wife. I want to be someone's mom. I want to have a home. I want to have a steady career that I love. I want to create my own little world in this big one, and that will be enough for me. 

Maybe there is something special about it though. That despite the giant divorce rate, terrible economy, and slew of troubled youth -- we do it all anyway. We try anyway. We want it anyway. 

Sometimes I honestly fear that if I admit I want all of these things -- they won't happen. And, maybe they wont. But, if I keep trying to ignore that I want them, or convince myself that I don't, well, they sure as hell won't happen then.

So, I'm normal. I crave love, connection, and commitment. Hi, my name is Jena, and I want all of the things.