miss independent

(via)

Something you should know about me: I'm an independent to a fault.

I don't know if it's because I'm one of four kids and the middle child, so I was raised to be independent, of if I was just been destined to be this way, or what... but I am probably the most independent person I know.

Don't get me wrong... I love friends and I love my family and I love being around them. But when it comes to having to depend on someone for anything, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don't want to be taken care of, I don't want to feel like I ever need anything from anyone. Which, let's face it, is super ridiculous. I'll at least need someone to kill spiders for me for the rest of my life ;)

The worst part is, I really, really wish I wasn't so independent. I want to be able to rely on people, I want to be able to wish I had someone around to take care of me, I want to be able to let people in to take care of me. Most of the time, I just feel like it's easier to be by yourself then let people in. But sometimes, I envision being able to be more dependent. I know that's silly, but the grass is always greener, right?

The chances for me to become more dependent on people now are slim. I'm 23 years old. It's an engrained part of me by now. I can work on opening myself up to new people and I'm trying to get better at that. But I don't think I'll ever be able to fully open up to new people very easily. Or fully accept that there are other people than my mom and dad who can take care of me.

Basically, I just want to know.... are you independent or dependent and do you ever wish you were opposite? I know there are people who are really dependent and wish they weren't, but how do you work to make yourself change? Or vice versa?

Ahhh! I'm Panicking!

via Pinterest

Today I had my first panic attack. Weird! Heart racing, chest pressure, the can't breathe feeling. Needless to say, I didn't like it.

For the most part I tend to be an easy-going girl. I try to not sweat the small things, trust that things will work out and believe that worrying is a waste of time and energy.

But this week, I worried. I worried, a lot. I worried because the things going on in my life right now are all out of my control. I can't influence the outcome. I can't make any type of personal sacrifice to save the day. All I can do is hope. Pray. Wish. And I do not freaking like it one bit.

During my bad relationship, (I realize I talk about this a lot, but it was kind of my epiphany, so bare with me.) I was totally out of control. I let him control my emotions, influence my actions, change what I believed. Fast forward to the break up, a lot of alone time and tons of Elizabeth Gilbert. I realized that I was in control. Things didn't just happen to me. I wasn't a victim.

To say I'm in control doesn't mean I'm in control of everything that happens in my life. What I can control are two things: how I think and how I react. After realizing that, I have lived my life in complete control. Control over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. Doing what I can to make things around me better. Living a life I'm proud of. Seeing the bright side of things.

Until today. Today I lost control. I thought the worst. I worried 'til it made me physically sick. I told my rosy outlook on life to take a hike. Today I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be fine. Today I needed to depend on someone else. I needed to hand them my worry and say 'Here, you deal with it.'

And today, someone did. Someone I love made me feel better. Today someone reminded me I can depend on the people around me. That I can stray. I can have dark days and think the world is crashing down around me. It's human. They are there to weather my worry with me, to give me a hug and then a swift kick in the ass to get back to being me.

I wholeheartedly believe we have to learn to depend on ourselves. To be in control. To know that we can do it all alone. But once we learn that, once we know we can do it, maybe that's when you get to let yourself need someone else once in a while. To know you can go it alone, but you don't have to. Because letting someone catch you when you start to fall is kind of nice.