Ahhh! I'm Panicking!

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Today I had my first panic attack. Weird! Heart racing, chest pressure, the can't breathe feeling. Needless to say, I didn't like it.

For the most part I tend to be an easy-going girl. I try to not sweat the small things, trust that things will work out and believe that worrying is a waste of time and energy.

But this week, I worried. I worried, a lot. I worried because the things going on in my life right now are all out of my control. I can't influence the outcome. I can't make any type of personal sacrifice to save the day. All I can do is hope. Pray. Wish. And I do not freaking like it one bit.

During my bad relationship, (I realize I talk about this a lot, but it was kind of my epiphany, so bare with me.) I was totally out of control. I let him control my emotions, influence my actions, change what I believed. Fast forward to the break up, a lot of alone time and tons of Elizabeth Gilbert. I realized that I was in control. Things didn't just happen to me. I wasn't a victim.

To say I'm in control doesn't mean I'm in control of everything that happens in my life. What I can control are two things: how I think and how I react. After realizing that, I have lived my life in complete control. Control over my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. Doing what I can to make things around me better. Living a life I'm proud of. Seeing the bright side of things.

Until today. Today I lost control. I thought the worst. I worried 'til it made me physically sick. I told my rosy outlook on life to take a hike. Today I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be fine. Today I needed to depend on someone else. I needed to hand them my worry and say 'Here, you deal with it.'

And today, someone did. Someone I love made me feel better. Today someone reminded me I can depend on the people around me. That I can stray. I can have dark days and think the world is crashing down around me. It's human. They are there to weather my worry with me, to give me a hug and then a swift kick in the ass to get back to being me.

I wholeheartedly believe we have to learn to depend on ourselves. To be in control. To know that we can do it all alone. But once we learn that, once we know we can do it, maybe that's when you get to let yourself need someone else once in a while. To know you can go it alone, but you don't have to. Because letting someone catch you when you start to fall is kind of nice.