Going overboard

Via Pinterest

Smith & Emma Land, how I have missed you. Excuse my MIAness, I've just been so up my relationship's ass I have A) Forgotten I have a life. B) Almost ruined my relationship.

Can you tell I'm a bit angry with myself? Mainly because I am the queen of doing this thing where I get in a serious relationship and begin to slowly but surely allow it to suck the life out of me. Sometimes because my boyfriend has required it, and sometimes {such as this instance} because I have thrown myself at it like a crazy woman in front of a train.

And now, my dear friends, I've been run over.

But, lucky for me, the train didn't kill me this time. But one of these days its going to. So it's time to snap the hell out of it and for once, actually learn my lesson.

Why I do this, I'm not so sure. But, I do know I'm not alone. Liz Gilbert says in Eat, Pray, Love in regards to relationships: “If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check..."


The funny thing is, this time around the man I love requires none of this. But I shove it down his throat anyway. And then, since he has become the reason for my very being, when something doesn't go "right" I overanalyze a word, a look, a feeling, a thought, anything, until I've exhausted myself, my friends and him.


I've been an analyzer since as long as I can remember { I am going to be a shrink after all}. It's kind of a part of who I am. Most of the time, I like this aspect of myself. I tend to be self-reflective and self-aware, which {i hope} allows me to be a better person. But sometimes, the overanalyzing can cause me to push away people I care about. But I've forgotten that I don't let people in that easy. If I do let someone in as a friend or boyfriend, whatever it may be, it's because I think you are all kinds of wonderful. And at the end of the day, that is what I need to remember. I need to trust the people I've let in. Take their word for it and move on. 


It's time to get my life back. To get back to me being the reason behind me. To have my relationship be a part of my life. Not who I am. No healthy relationship can exist that way. Not to mention this guy is actually one that doesn't need to be driven off.


To anyone who has lost themselves in a relationship--with a boyfriend, a friend, a parent, a sibling--get yourself back. If they really love you, they'll love you more for it.