cravings

via 

For a few months now you've read my posts about my exploration of God. I've read about Jesus, many blog posts about various opinions of living a Christian life, spent some time in prayer, and simply let myself be open to it all.

I'd love to write a dramatic story about how I felt God's presence, or heard his voice. That I had some magical encounter that restored my faith in God and Jesus.

But...I don't.

To be honest, I'm still struggling to find faith. But the difference now is that I want it. I'm not just open to it. I want to believe in God. I want to trust in God. I want to, dare I write it...surrender my will to God's.

And friends, that's a big thing for me to say.

I can remember, two summers ago, sitting on a patio with a friend who had a newly found faith and debating Christianity with her and her husband. Being pretty dead set against a lot of what they had to say. And she looked at me and said, "You have too much pride." I still remember that moment and how much it pissed me off.

Fast forward to the beginning of another summer. From then til now, nothing too dramatic in my life has happened. But life has been overwhelming. I've been living for the love of other human beings--and that is draining on so many levels. Do they approve of me? Why don't they love me? Why won't they give me what I need?

And as my friend so rightly put it: "I have an awesome, awesome husband. But man, he'd be a shitty God." 

I so strongly believe in the love humans can give one another. How we can help each other change and mold and grow. The power of human love really is an amazing thing to me. And I never want to lose that. But human love isn't the love I should depend on. Because, well, we're humans. We fail each other. We don't always love unconditionally. We're flawed.

But, perfect love does exist in God, through Jesus. And as I write these words I'm still questioning, Do you really believe this? And while it doesn't feel genuine to me yet, as I've spent so many years of my life denying it, my answer is not only do I want to believe it, I need to believe it.

I'm craving it.

A belief that there is something greater. Something perfect. Something bigger I can live my life for. The idea of relinquishing control of my life to God sounds scary and wonderful at the same time. I've spent so many years in my twenties thinking I can figure it all out. That I can do it myself. That I should do it myself. My friend couldn't have been more right--I've been filled with pride.

And the truth is, my pride hasn't totally failed me. I've worked hard, I've found a career I'm passionate about. I have good friends. I love my family. But the catch is, when any of these things go wrong, when my relationships struggle, or my friend isn't there for me, or my family is busy with their own things, I feel broken.

A friend of mine, who has a very strong faith, recently learned her mother has a fatal disease. Ya'll, I look at the way she is handling it and I'm blown away. She is sad, most definitely. But she's at peace. It's not destroying her. She's not broken. When we'd all, of course, understand if she was.

That peace--that is so much bigger than you or me. It is so much bigger than anything I could give her as her friend. It is so much bigger than what she could give herself with pride.

Her faith. Her peace. It is truly something I stand in awe of. The crazy thing is, I can have it, too.

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“Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water.” - Elizabeth Gilbert